Effortless Rambling

When do I get to cease stumbling through life so I can actually be present for it and truly live? I have days upon days of silence, of uncontrolled tears, of never ending slumbers and shapeless misery. Most of the time, not even feeling present for life itself.  But the outgrowth of becoming conscious is the capacity to choose. Once consciousness ignites, I recognize that my actions have been fueled by unseen fear and lack from something previously experienced in the past.  Regardless of the “why”-our past inevitably influences our present life, choices, art, visions, and message. They are rooted within us and the stepping stones that brought us to this moment. Life is funny because it usually carries us far from what we know. But these experiences that carry us away inevitably bring us back to what we previously knew. Yes, times change and so do people.  However, it seems to me that there are still some constants in the shifting sand that compromises our existence.  It is between two pendulums-the positive, the one that gives happiness and meaning, and the negative-that our lives are lived. More focus should be placed on the positive memories of course.  My collection of perfect moments is a curious thing. All the experiences seem impeccably ordinary and almost mundane. But in each of these moments, I was centered as much as I believe I am capable of being. I was also absolutely present and very aware of my existence; feeling blessed to have each experience. Clarity followed in an unexpected fashion. Moments like those, no matter how desperately sought, must be allowed to come as they please. So here is to each one of us, and here is to good news and bad, and to do the best that we can with it…And to living in the moment.  We have fragile notions of what we want our futures to be, and we have memories.  Stuck between those two are what really matters, for therein lays the substance of our own existence.