There and back again.

I am so ready to be wounded, so ready, just waiting on the brink for anything. Yet pain is not a consequence rather a warmness, bringing a sense of comfort, and with it comes an unexpected happiness. But lying here with him I look into his eyes. My eyes, my mind, my heart, my hands, addicted to his heart, his mind, his face, his body. What a wonder it would be to be frozen in time with such a view for all eternity. I’m foolishly, madly, desperately, vigorously, intimately, passionately, and most of all, truthfully in love with you. I’ll do whatever I have to do, and set the standards of making you the love of my life. I know my weaknesses and complications weigh hard on our relationship. But I ask on a daily basis that someone give me the confidence I’m asking for and understand my complete human behavior of imperfection. Please let these feelings grow amongst the failures of perfection and saturate within our hearts as we celebrate the love we both share. I know that we can make it; you know what we’ve gone through and you know what we need to go through. Stand by me as we face many challenges, holding your hands next to my heart and providing me eternal love every step of the way.

"For you see, each day I love you more;Today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow."
~Rosemonde Gerard

Effortless Rambling

When do I get to cease stumbling through life so I can actually be present for it and truly live? I have days upon days of silence, of uncontrolled tears, of never ending slumbers and shapeless misery. Most of the time, not even feeling present for life itself.  But the outgrowth of becoming conscious is the capacity to choose. Once consciousness ignites, I recognize that my actions have been fueled by unseen fear and lack from something previously experienced in the past.  Regardless of the “why”-our past inevitably influences our present life, choices, art, visions, and message. They are rooted within us and the stepping stones that brought us to this moment. Life is funny because it usually carries us far from what we know. But these experiences that carry us away inevitably bring us back to what we previously knew. Yes, times change and so do people.  However, it seems to me that there are still some constants in the shifting sand that compromises our existence.  It is between two pendulums-the positive, the one that gives happiness and meaning, and the negative-that our lives are lived. More focus should be placed on the positive memories of course.  My collection of perfect moments is a curious thing. All the experiences seem impeccably ordinary and almost mundane. But in each of these moments, I was centered as much as I believe I am capable of being. I was also absolutely present and very aware of my existence; feeling blessed to have each experience. Clarity followed in an unexpected fashion. Moments like those, no matter how desperately sought, must be allowed to come as they please. So here is to each one of us, and here is to good news and bad, and to do the best that we can with it…And to living in the moment.  We have fragile notions of what we want our futures to be, and we have memories.  Stuck between those two are what really matters, for therein lays the substance of our own existence.

Questions with no answers

My life has been a bit different, more conventional, more driven and more distracted at times. Most of the time, putting off things that should have been more important, but yet were suppressed for one reason or another. I believe that a lot of what we carry around is grief for those people and things that we haven't yet let go of. A lot of people have hurt me over the years, and I believe instead of dealing with it, I shove it inside and keep moving forward. I feel if I am not moving forward, then there is no productivity. Whatever happened to just living in the moment and enjoying the little things? Maybe this listlessness is due to a lack of encouragement. All through my life, everyone has always assumed that I could do whatever I wanted with no sort of effort. There was no doubt to them that what I set out to accomplish could be attained. Even the great need encouragement. In the end, it gave me no hope to strive forward for much else. This could be the main reason I have failed at so many things…just to prove them wrong. Most days, I just want someone there to tell me I’m doing good and things are where they are supposed to be. Reality is, most days I wander through the 9 to 5 anticipating the end. Not very concerned with the end result, more so, just the end. I am aware of the daily tasks I must complete. But there has to be more to this life. I believe I need that ‘something more’. You should never argue with one’s own understanding and how you perceive things, because that is the equivalent of questioning your intelligence. For this reason, I find myself arguing with me over and over again.